Mother I'm Sorry

Back when I was young, I would always play by myself at home. I always used to ask when I’m gonna have a younger sibling, a sister or a brother it didn’t matter, I wanted someone to play with, but whenever I’d ask my mom, she’d give a sad smile and tell me if God said it wasn’t time yet.

Every year I would ask: “when’s it coming?” And every time she tells me the same.

After years of asking I finally stopped asking her that question, and it was only in my first year of high school that I came to hear from Dad. It’s not that Mom didn’t want me to have a younger brother/sister, it was that she couldn’t.

When I was 2 years old Mom was pregnant of my sister. Her birth had complications and it resulted with a miscarriage, at the same time my mother’s womb was damaged so it was virtually impossible for her to get pregnant anymore.

I could only imagine the mental damage it had done to my mother, for my younger sister to have died without even seeing the world, and for my mother to blame herself over what happened.

I burst into tears.

I kept hurting her every time I asked and all she did was understand. She held all the pain, only giving a broken smile.

I’m sorry mom...

I love you mom…

Those days when we were young…

Back in high school, I used to have a friend close to me. She lived near me so whenever we went to school we’d always go together.

That was about 10 years ago, sometimes I keep on wondering…

 How is she right now?

 Is she happy?

I hope so.

I was in my 2^nd year of high school when I started noticing something different whenever I saw her. For some reason she looked prettier, cuter, and brighter than any girl in my class. It might’ve been then that I truly fell for her.

I didn’t fall for her because she was the prettiest class, nor was she the smartest. But even so, she was different from the rest.

I’ve always liked how even though she wasn’t that smart, she would try her hardest still just to get higher grades. It was the complete opposite of me, I was a fool of a student that always wasted his time playing games or watching tv. She was completely different, she’d do her best at everything she does, studies, socializing with her friends, and even trying to be pretty.

That was how she always seemed to glow.

They say that a girl blooms because of love. If that was true, then she was blooming out of love, but not because of me.

Thinking back, I was such a stupid guy.

I was too shy to ever confess to her, but I was already convinced that I loved her. I would secretly send her flowers and letters addressed from a “secret lover”. Well she was happy about the whole secret lover ordeal, because I would always hear her whenever she told stories.

I remember buying flowers, red roses. I would secretly send it in front of her gate, with a letter inside the bouquet. And the next day, during lunch break, I would then hear her talk about it with her friends.

It was during the 3^rd year of high school that she stopped going to school with me. Apparently she would just walk there now instead of taking the bus like we used to.

I don’t know what happened but everything felt so distant with her starting then.

Well we were still classmates so nothing really changed much. We weren’t really lovers to begin with so it was pretty normal to not react about it. Though somewhat I always thought that maybe, just maybe she would feel something about me through the past years we’ve been friends.

I even remember her helping me with some unrequited love back in elementary school. Look how things became different now.

There was a point in time that I confessed to her. It was during a class, she wasn’t there. She didn’t go to school that day so I was worried. She never went absent before.

Out of worry, I went to her place to check on her. She caught a fever.

We were alone, together, just outside her gate. The night sky was chilly, she was about to go inside when I suddenly stopped her by holding her hand. Then and there I confessed to her.

I love you…

Those words came out of my mouth.

She was surprised, and then her expression changed from being surprised to that of sadness.

She loved someone else…

What’s more is, the one she loves right now, is also my friend.

I let go of her hand, she ran back inside, and out of frustration I ran back home as well crying all the while. I’ve never felt so frustrated. I went to my room and locked the door.

Several months passed and we still haven’t talked to each other since then. I couldn’t face her over what happened and how things ended badly between the two us.

She still wanted to be friends, and kept trying so hard to befriend me again but I was such an idiot. Every time I’d run away, or ignore her. Even her group of friends already started confronting me. They told me she thought they were lucky because I talked to them even if just a little.

Then one night, out in the park near where we both lived. I saw her alone on one of the benches. She was crying. I started to man up and started walking towards her.

She was holding it back, but with how long I knew her, I could tell…

She was crying inside.

I started to comfort her, telling her it’s alright. I gently hugged her, and lent her my shoulder to cry on. Soon after, I started crying as well.

The boy she started to love apparently is also interested in someone else.

What a crazy world we live in huh?

I couldn’t really say that she should stop loving that guy and look closer for my own sake. Because I felt the same, I fell in love with a person that loved someone else. I just cheered her on and started talking to her again.

It was right at the end of my senior year when I received good news from her. She started going out with the said boy. I told her I was happy for her, but I actually had mixed feelings.

Even so, I just kept it inside. She was happy and that was good enough for me.

I won’t be the person to ruin someone else’s happiness just so I could have my own.

Years later, we were still friends.

Friends that was as happy as can be.

~End